• Don’t steal – the government hates competition
• If you object to logging, try using plastic toilet paper
• Caution – blonde thinking
• If blondes have more fun, how do they know?
• My day is not complete until I’ve terrified a complete stranger
• My carbon footprint is bigger than yours
• Sometimes I wrestle with my demons – sometime we just snuggle
• Watch out for the idiot behind me
• They asked me why I didn’t have tattoos? So I told them: do you see a Ferrari with bumper stickers?
• If the words on the sticker are getting bigger, hit the brakes!
• Zero to bitch in 2.2 seconds
• Help! I farted and I can’t roll down the window
• I don’t suffer from insanity, I’m loving every minute of it
• Jesus loves you but I’m his favourite
• Be nice to nerds – chances are you’ll end up working for one
• You’ll be darned to eternal heck if you don’t believe in me – Gosh
• I may be old but I got to see all the cool bands
• Money talks – mine keeps saying goodbye
• I’ve been on so many blind dates I should get a free dog
• We are not old people, we are recycled teenagers
• The earth is full – go home!
• My other car is a broom
• Never drive faster than your guardian angle can fly
• Where the hell is Easy Street?
• I don’t care how much you paid for it, that car is still ugly
• Nine of out 10 voices in my head agree that I’m sane
• Life is short – smile while you still have teeth
• I do whatever my breakfast cornflakes tell me to do
• I solemly swear that I am up to no good
• My mother is a travel agent – she specialises in guilt trips
• It’s lonely at the top but you eat better
• I’m out of estrogen and I’ve got a gun
• Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
• I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
• So you’re a feminist. Isn’t that cute?
• Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
• Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
• Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
• I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re okay now.
• Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10
• If it ain’t broke, take it apart and fix it
• If it isn’t broken, fix it until it is
• Forget world peace – visualise using your turn signal
• I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
• Keep on working, all those on social welfare depend on you
• Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking
• I drive far too fast to worry about cholesterol
• My wife says I should get up and go to work, but the voices in my head say I should stay home and clean my guns
• The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list
• Time is nature’s way of keeping everything from happening all at once
• Chaos, panic, and disorder – our work here is done.
• I used to be indecisive but now I’m not so sure
• If there is no God, who always pops up that next Kleenex?